hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
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I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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