Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
