my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
