yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
