Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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