nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
