i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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