Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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