i already hear my dad disowning me
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
