How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
