Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
