i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
