My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
