I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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