You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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