Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
