i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
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