I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
