I think im going to throw up on grandma
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
