i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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