Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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