My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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