Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
