I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
