I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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