What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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