let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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