we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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