the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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