i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I smell like Dick and happiness
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