I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
