hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
