I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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