Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
