i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
