sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
