explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
