Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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