its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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