well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
