shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
