I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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