i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
