i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
