I just saw a hot homeless man
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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