Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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