Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
