My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
