I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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