You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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