If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
