Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
