someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Holy shit dude........stairs
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
