I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
